FNP: “LOVE CHILD” AT THE WHITE HOUSE?

Faux News Press (FNP)_Washington, D.C.:  FNP has learned startling information about a “special guest” of the White House. According to highly-placed sources at the White House, there is a “love child” staying at the White House. There had rumors about the curiously high levels of Pampers that were being purchased by White House staffers. Indeed, Secret Service agents had been seen at 24/7 drugstores in the area bying Pampers and other baby-oriented products.

Happy new "father?"

All seasoned newshounds working the White House arena were aware that Barack and Michelle had children, yet they also knew that they were beyond the “todler” stage. There would not seem to be a reason to purchase Pampers, unless there was an incontinence issue. Some reporters have quietly investigated this possibility without success. For now, these strange purchases must relate to a baby/todler, according to the concensus viewpoint of long-time White House observers.

FNP can state authoritatively, after a lengthy investigation by us, that Veep Joe Biden was not the source of a White House “love child.” As a matter of fact, Joe Biden is considered an “unsuccessful experiment” and will certainly be replaced as a running mate during Barack Obama’s attempt to win a second term as President of the United States of America. Newshounds have been quietly talking about this matter for months. It is known by many of them that Michelle believes that Joe Biden is “too Chuck” for their team.

Children make Michelle happy.

Michelle Obama had been embarrassed “to the bone” by Vice President Joseph Biden’s congratulations card on the occasion of the Obama’s moving into the White House. He had spelled her name “O’Bama.” Worse, the gaffe was picked up by the press and became rather well known.

 This incident was soon followed by embarrassment in London. The Obamas were visiting on matters of high purpose, and were invited to meet the Elizabeth II, Queen of England ["QE2"]. They met at Buckingham Palace. The Obamas were embarrassed when QE2 asked if Joseph Biden was a “peer.” They were forced to divulge his humble origins. Michelle later told a confidant that she felt like “hiding under a rock.”

Veep cleared of fathering White House "love child."

Having eliminated the Veep as the source of any “love child,” key reporters began to recall the transition period, when “W.” and Laura were helping the Obamas prepare for the big move. There was much gossip about key “W.” adviser, Secretary Condoleezza Rice’s expanding midriff. There were jokes about the “price” paid by high American officials, as they attended one State Dinner after another. The rich delicacies had shown prominently on many high officials, such as Henry Kissinger – who was never dainty to begin with. The general view among seasoned observers was that Condi was taking away with her as many “goodies” as she could gulp down.

Very few of even the most savvy journalists were aware of several clandestine meetings held by Secretary Rice and Osama bin Laden, leader of the al Qaeda movement, as Ms. Rice attempted to set up a meeting between “W.” and Osama. Only FNP’s special relationship with White House spokesman, Chad Clint Calhoun, had enabled us to pierce the veil that the White House and State Department had drawn about the project to conceal it until the “right” moment.

According to privileged information which FNP is now free to divulge, President George W. Bush had been inspired by the many Biblical accounts of key “men of God” in the Old Testament taking up temporary residence in caves during difficult times. Employment of caves in the Bible seemed to “W.” to be an “anoited way.” According to sources whose position made them privy to such high discussions, “W.” brought up the issue to Secretary Rice at a meeting of his most trusted advisers. As related to FNP, “W.” wanted to solve the seemingly intractable Middlle Eastern problems before he left office. He told Ms. Rice: “Condi, I want this as my legacy.”

Loyal, Dutiful Condi - but was she too loving?

Naturally, she readily agreed to do “all that I can” to make his dream come true. She had not told the president of certain clandestine “feelers” that her State Department had sent to men who were known to be close to Osama bin Laden. Independently, the brilliant Condi had perceived that a “neutral cave” would be the ideal place to meet Osama. If she could discover a mutally agreed upon cave, she could bring her boss and the legendary sheikh together – man-to-man – to solve the Levantine issues once and for all.

As FNP has previously reported, this exploration had occurred. Further, as we broke this story, we divulged information from a well-positioned figure in the Osama camp that Osama had a “passionate crush” on Condi, gazing at photographs of her day and night.

When Condi and Osama finally met in a cave near Turkey, she found the towering sheikh very attracttive indeed. She was vulnerable, and he was passionate (“afire” – being the translation of the Arabic expression he used as they lounged together at a private dinner.) Perhaps unknown even to Condi, her nature was “hot” and her heart receptive. According to usually reliable sources at the State Department, “it happened that night.”

When the George & Laura act was near conclusion, according to key sources, Secretary of State Conoleezza Rice gave birth to a child in the private quarter of the White House. The child was said to be strikingly handsome and indicated a bright intelligence. “W. ” had stated to Condi in private, as she held her new baby, that she should leave the child at the White House as a foundling. Condi had had a “special relationship” with Barack Obama at one time. The baby would win favor with the Obamas, and they would keep it, protect it from paparazzi, and quietly guide the child to some destined greatness. The love that had transpired between her and Osama must remain concealed. This would be difficult, if she suddenly was seen with a new baby.

According to usually reliable sources who shared shards of this important “mosaic” with FNP, Ms. Rice agreed. She had planned to name the boy “W’Okondi” after the three people who “made it happen.” A callous man such as Billy Jeff Clinton might have forced her to have an abortion, had he been her President. She was grateful to “W.” She “knew in her heart” that her boy would be a great world figure. She left the White House and quit Washington, D.C. for the West Coast. Yes, there was a sadness in her heart. Yet, there was also love. She would still be able to watch over her boy – from a distance.

Our readers may believe that FNP has gone “over the deep end” in this astonishing tale of “love’s labor lost.” Yet, we have checked the sources and their contributions, whether big or small, and they all checked out. Condoleezza Rice left Washington a thinner but wiser woman, all sources confirm. Now, both press and public must await the appointed moment when Barack and Michelle Obama will introduce their new baby. Until such time many observers quietly note that al Qaeda’s legacy rocks in a cradle in the private quarters of the Obama White House. 

As the late King of Pop, Michael Jackson, might have sung: “Condi Rice has left the door; Condi Rice said, ‘Osama’s the one.’”

October 27, 2009